My Prayer

Mama's Healing!!!

Mama's surgery to remove pacemaker leads that got contaminated and spread infection to her heart was on September 5.  The procedure turned out to be not as extensive as the surgeon had originally anticipated.  Once he got in there and really started looking around, the new pacemaker/defibrillator and leads that had been placed on August 5 on the opposite side did not look to be infected, so he left all that in and just focused on lasering out the old leads that had too much scar tissue for the other surgeons to remove.  He told us that since all the new work basically looked good, there is a 50/50 chance that it may or may not be infected, so his preference with that was to leave the device and new leads in and see if infection presents later on.  The laser would only reach so far, and one of the tips on the old leads was left in when the wire broke while trying to pull it out.  It doesn't hurt anything for it to be there as long as that part is not infected...again, there's that 50/50 chance.  If infection presents once the infection we know about is cleared, they will have to open her up to get that piece out.  We are hoping for the best and that all the infected parts are out.

Evidence so far seems to suggest a good prognosis there.  Within just a few days after the procedure to laser out those old infected leads I began to see a change.  Mama wasn't starting to feel it yet, but I felt as though a dark cloud had lifted just looking at her.  She was discharged from the heart hospital in Little Rock where the procedure was performed on Friday, September 7 and was admitted into a beautiful rehabilitation skilled nursing facility in Rogers where it just so happens that my brother-in-law is the day shift charge nurse, and Mama's primary care doctors just so happens to make regular rounds there.  Her appetite is back, and back strong!  She looks so improved it's like looking at a different woman!  

Today when I went to see her she said she woke up and, for the first time, said she truly felt good and thought the possibility existed that this might actually be a good day!  She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt that way upon awakening.  As the day progressed, she was able to get all the way through her complete physical therapy exercises for the first time, both rounds!  She's getting serious about real recovery.  She asked for a low sodium diet when she first checked in, and today she told me she wants me to bring her tennis shoes.  

Once we got her into the rehab facility, I went to see her the next day, Saturday, and she told me she wanted me to take about 2-3 days to rest and recover myself.  It took me a full 3 days of some heavy sleeping to start to come around to feeling more like my usual self.  Before we got to this point we were all scared.  Mama was a very sick woman, and it was a painful, painful, and very difficult time.  We were all sitting on pins and needles waiting to get her to surgery.  But it's clear now that a new day has dawned.  The dark clouds have parted, and the sun is smiling on us all once again.  

I'm getting caught up on my laundry, and, little by little, the house is undergoing something like a rennovation in the way of a good, deep cleaning.  The house, unfortunately, was one of the many casualties in just the day-to-day trench work of keeping Mama alive and stable enough to see the day of her procedure arrive.  I went through a lot of disinfecting wipes just keeping things sterile enough to get by, but true housework had long since been kicked aside.  Steve and I, too, have experienced a bit of a revival of sorts.  We've been able to turn our attention to each other for the first time in weeks, months, and it's been kind of a revelation like, "Oh, hey!  I remember you!  And, hey!  Now I remember...I really dig ya too!"  That's been a nice little side bonus.  

So that's the latest.  Praise and thanks be to God!  And, with that, I bit you all a good night.  Laundry calleth.   :D

Update: Mama

*Advisory* If you have a weak stomach for blood and guts and gore and such then you might want to avoid reading further.  However, for those who don't mind the gory details of all that's been happening with Mama then here is the scoop.

Those of you who've been following on facebook, you know that Mama had a pacemaker upgrade procedure done in late May.  The month preceding, they'd started her on coumadin and Plavix.  Mama and I had agreed to the coumadin - perhaps against our better judgment, perhaps not, but in any case, the wound around the new device seemed to heal nicely at first when the staples were removed.  Later, however, the antibiotic they prescribed as a follow up to the procedure reacted with the coumadin, and the result was a massive hematoma (a good 8 inches in circumference and 2 inches in depth) surrounding the pacemaker and incision point (another speculation is that the hematoma may have been a result of infection).  The pacemaker device started working its way out through the soft tissue of the hematoma until it became visible through a gaping open wound that wouldn't close, so it became clear that the device had to come out.  Since she is pacemaker dependent, the choice was to put in a new device on the other side of her chest.

Mama was admitted to the hospital on Friday August 3.  They worked to get her blood thick enough to operate as quickly as possible.  The procedure to remove the device and place a new one happened Sunday morning, August 5.  The days following were a battle -- a battle for survival, yes, but also for addressing every crisis that came up to get her through to some level of livable comfort.  She was in so much pain, and there was so much going wrong in her body.  Never before this have I ever been ready or willing to give her up to the eventuality of death, but somewhere in the midst of all this, the grace was there, and I took hold of it with everything within me.  I do not wish to selfishly keep her here in a state of constant pain and suffering.  At the same time, if she has the will to fight and live I've no wish to deny her every advantage for fighting her fight to win -- including the advantage of family and loved ones right there in the fight with her. 

All of the signs of her will to live in the midst of all of the trouble -- as well as the will of her Creator to grant her life -- would take a few volumes to write out.  The physical evidence that the doctors presented yesterday and the day before seemed to suggest that the road to life as we know it in this earth realm is short...extremely short.  The evidence in the unseen realm seems to suggest that the jury is not out on the subject.  Ultimately, I have, by the grace of her Creator, given it completely over to the will of her Creator.  And I -- with all that is within me by the grace our Creator has granted -- have chosen to respect whatever she and her Creator will work out.  I do not have a prediction on the final outcome nor do I have a desire to try and control the outcome.  What I do have is an ear pressed to the heart of our Creator for the way to direct my faith, and I have yesterday, a day of many encouraging signs in spite of a barrage of devastatingly hard news, and I have today, a day of much encouraging news from that same naysaying medical community regarding new possbilities.  I also have much encouragement from the community of faith, and the result of it all is an encouraged heart - something I very much needed without really being able to comprehend how much it was needed until I could find my way to embracing the encouragement.

To all of you who have prayed, and believed, and spoken encouraging words, words cannot express my gratitude to you, but please know how heartfelt my gratitude is for you.  My husband, too, has been a great source of help, comfort, and strength.  Steve's love and care for my mom and for me has been so clearly evident it is off the charts.  He has taken hold of her and lifted her up in prayer and ministered to her in ways none of the rest of us could have, really.  Stephen is a blessing far and above any blessing I could hope for or dream of, and I thank God for him so much!

Here's the Beef

Just in case anybody is wondering why there is such an outcry over this Christian protest stuff, it's not a mystery, and it's not hard to figure out.  One need only take a quick peek into the scriptures to find the answer:

¹⁹ The creation waits eagerly for the sons of God to be revealed; ²⁰ for the creation was made subject to frustration — not willingly, but because of the one who subjected it. But it was given a reliable hope ²¹ that it too would be set free from its bondage to decay and would enjoy the freedom accompanying the glory that God’s children will have. ²² We know that until now, the whole creation has been groaning as with the pains of childbirth.  Romans 8

When Jesus is seen, He is unmistakable, and what results within the human heart is unmistakable.  When He is professed to be in a situation, and a crowd turns out to see Him but it turns out not to actually be Him, that's called, plainly and simply, a rip off.  When someone feels ripped off, the natural, normal reaction is to cry out against it.

Now is this so hard to understand?

Enough's enough!

I'm going to say this, and say it as loudly and as often as I can possibly say it: This whole gay marriage protest thing does not belong in the conversations of follwers of Christ.  Jesus did not call us to take up a cause and protest.  He called us to take up our cross and follow Him.  Following Him means first and foremost following His example: the example as set forth in the Gospels.  He did not single out any one people group and hold up a picket sign in protest of what they were doing and saying.  He didn't do it, people!  You can look, and look, and look throughout the gospels to try and find an example of these modern-day Christian protests, and you will not, will not, will not find it!!  It's not there!!  It's a distraction, people!!  It's a smokescreen preventing us from truly minstering the gospel (gospel means good news) thus preventing people from truly seeing Jesus, and you know what?  That's the greatest tragedy of all, and you know what else?  It stinks, really reeks to high heaven!

We're all high-fiving each other thinking this whole protest thing is the good Christian thing to do.  But all it's really doing is creating bad feelings and strife.  If anything, just look at the results; look at the fruit of it.  If that can't telling us anything, then here's what Jesus said it makes us: it makes us the blind leading the bleeding blind!  

Stop it already!  Get a grip - on the cross!!

The gospel is a call to all.  The code of conduct as laid out in the biblical texts is a guideline for believers to follow, to make us a light and an example, just as Christ is a light and example.  The onus is on us to obey, not the world that hasn't yet come to know and believe.  If anyone is to see that light that lights up all men and come to believe also, then we are to teach them to follow the teachings of Christ once they come to believe.  That's how this thing is set up to work.  It's a model that has worked throughout the ages since Christ's death, burial, and resurrection.  We think we can improve on Christ's model?  Really??  All I can truly say to that is this: Have fun bleeding in that ditch...I'm outta here!

About Choices...

I'm not one to readily break with tradition because of the trouble it tends to get me into.  Yet, in spite of this trouble, it tends to happen anyway - despite everything around me that might be telling me not to buck the system.  That said, here I go again.  Whether I really wanted to or not because of how unpleasant it may be, something in me had to take a serious step back from the direction I'd been going and look - really look - at the way the tide's been going in Christiandom.  Based on what I've been seeing, I had a choice to make: go with the tide, or...not.  And, for the life of me, as much as my desire is to be submissive and "obedient," there are things I've been unable to stomach regarding how we, as Christians, treat people in this world.  I know what "the Bible says" about homosexuality, about fornication of any kind, and a whole bunch of other things.  But I also know that Jesus never made people feel slighted or ashamed because of what they'd been doing with their lives up until their encounter with Him.  Yet the predominant thing the world sees of Christians is an air of elitism and entitlement that says, "Hey, you're a bigshot Christian now, it's okay.  Go ahead and point a finger at all these evildoers and tell them, 'I'm a Christian, and you're going to hell because you're not, you heathen; you'd better get right with God!' "  It's the very thing that drove me far from Christianity before I encountered Jesus for myself without the influence of all that noise, and, as a Christian, I still cannot find it in me to participate.  In the eyes of some Christians I suppose this may make me a candidate for the scarlet letter.  Well, okay then.  Just give me your stupid D for Disobedient if it will shut you the flip up so you can go on with your crusade to purge the earth of the vermin (as that's how people feel they are viewed and treated) - without me.  I say to you, oh high and mighty Christian, my interest in looking to you as an example of how to live the Christian life has waned to non-existence.  I'll go back to the place I looked before I looked to you: I'll look to Jesus.  And guess what: As much as I searched the scriptures for it, I never one time saw Jesus tell people they were going to hell, and I never saw Him one time in the scriptures say, "You'd better get right with God."  His conversations and dealings with people and the things they were doing were always 2-way conversations.  Both He and the person being addressed got to participate in the discussion.

To DARE to speak to someone in that "no discussion" manner only serves to do one thing, and that is to slam a door shut in a person's face who might otherwise like to approach unto God - a door that GOD has held open for ALL to enter in!!!  It more than bothers me.  It INFURIATES me!!  And I realize that by making these statements I run the risk of alienating myself from perhaps as much as 90% of the Christian population, perhaps more.  So be it.  Yes, I feel this strongly about it.

If God wanted a bunch of automatons, doesn't it stand to reason He could create far more advanced and impressive race of automatons than man could ever even dream up???  Jesus said to keep His commandments.  Well, guess what: His first and foremost commandment from which all commandments stem is to love.  

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  ⁸ Love never fails.  1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

If anyone will turn to God, not one thing is imposed on one single, solitary soul.  Everything a person will decide to eliminate or incorporate into his or her life is a choice that he or she rightfully gets to make based on whatever influences he or she will see fit to be motivated by.  God never coerces obedience: not even with the people who've chosen to open their hearts to a relationship with Him - and far less with those who haven't.  If they're open to it, He may help them to see reason regarding the choices they've been making up to a particular point but will ultimately let the choice as to what they will do going forward be 100% up to them.  Who are we mere mortals to deal with others any other way?  

When I first encountered Jesus, He was showing me the choices I'd been making up to that point.  I'd been functioning in those choices pretty much by rote.  And He offered a different path.  I chose to see what was down that path.  He made it clear I didn't have to.  It just so happened I found that I wanted to.  It was an open dialogue.  The matters at hand were 100% open for discussion.  Based on those discussions, I made choices.  That's what life is at every given moment: making choices.  God is not taking this away - from anyone.  Those early days when I was learning that God is a living and interactive God with whom all things are open for discussion was such a sweet time for me.    

My motivation for speaking to people about Jesus is not to accumulate a bunch of numbers thus adding a bunch of proverbial jewels to some proverbial crown that may or may not be awaiting me in heaven.  It's not a numbers game for me.  My motivation is toward others who, like me, might have struck up a conversation with Jesus much sooner had they known such a thing was possible, had they known that absolutely anything and everything is up for discussion.  Once I discovered Jesus and His true nature, I took part in discussions about my life with an open heart actively seeking input from Him.  His input was never coercive.  His input was never condemning.  I could feel His love and compassion - and, yes, even His respect for my right to choose - in every one of His dealings with me.  My greatest fear is of robbing others of the potential to embark upon the wonder of such sweet discovery as to who Jesus is and who He might like to be to them on an individual basis.  My greatest regret is the times in my own misguided zeal that I attempted to impose my own personal convictions on others who had not yet had the opportunity to discover for themselves that every choice they were faced with was open for discussion and that the choices as to what they would do with their lives going forward would absolutely be theirs to make.  I owe these people a great debt I hope to be able to repay someday.  It may be that I only get to repay it by paying it forward.  Either way, the choice I make for my life going forward is to attempt to repay that debt I owe to others.

If you are reading this, whoever you are, whatever choices you have made up to this point about how you will live your life, whatever choices you are in the midst of making, I honor you as a human being who has a right to choose what path you will take in this life.  Peace be with you.

Hangin' In

Mama just got out of the hospital, the 3rd visit in a little over 2 weeks.  This last time she was in for 5 days.  The heart meds they'd sent her home with from the first 6-day stint were making her so sick and miserable, she wasn't eating.  When Mama doesn't want to eat, there's something seriously wrong. After 2 or 3 days of this I finally got her to eat a small piece of toast.  A few hours later she was projectile vomiting and I happened to feel of her chest when the paramedics came and could feel girgling and roiling.  

We wanted to go to Mercy as that's where her doctors are, and we'd had a good experience there, but it's 15-20 minutes away.  They said they didn't think she'd make it that far.  I told them that we absolutely did not want to go to Washington Regional, so they said they'd take her to Northwest in Springdale.  They drove her on a code 3 going 55 down Thompson (Business 71), in busy Friday night traffic, running stop lights when it was clear, the whole nine.  It was very scary.  I tried to follow behind at first, but they were gone from my sight pretty quickly.

By the time I arrived at the ER, they had her in a room with a mask-type apparatus covering her face and already had her undergoing treatment for pneumonia and whatever other symptoms were presenting.  She was in the ER for about 5 hours undergoing treatment before being admitted into the hospital.  She responded well to the treatments, and every day brought improvements - but not without some challenges along the way.  She's in a very hard place to diagnose since cardio-pluminary are so interconnected.  It's hard to know what's brought on by the heart pulminary-wise or if the pulminary issues - of which we know next to nothing about at this point - are contributing to the recent escallations with the heart symptoms.

We got her home on Wednesday in the early evening.  She headed straight for her chair and went right to sleep.  I was able to wake her up to eat something.  Later, I helped her get ready for bed, and she slept for a few more hours waking up only once.  She slept some more for most of the morning and early afternoon until the home health nurse and later the aid came to see about her.  I spent the afternoon talking to her doctors and various health care people involved with her care.  In the evening, my brother came by for a surprise visit.  Steve had practice with the band he and his brother and a couple of guys have been in the process of re-forming, so I asked if Dailey could stay while I got one of her prescriptions filled and went by the Verizon store to see about my phone.  

She was brighter and more bubbly than I've seen her in quite a while.  It was so nice to see!  She's eating, which is a good thing.  I'd really like to see Mama have at least one more good run, you know?  I'd like to see her have the strength and the wherewithal to do things she enjoys.  She doesn't think this is impossible, and neither do I.  There were lots of people in her corner praying for her.  Mama told her best friend, Corky, that all those prayers must've been the thing pulling her through because she wasn't sure she was going to make it. 

These close calls have been pretty nerve-wracking.  Perhaps she's just making sure we're all awake!  :D  In any case, God has made it very apparent that He hears with compassion and answers prayer, and I'm very relieved and happy about that right now.

Mama's Day

It's been a bit of a battle talking Mama into staying with Stephen and me, but we finally prevailed.  She had been staying out at Dailey and Debbie's, my brother and sister-in-law, and the place is actually her farm.  I understood her reasoning for wanting to stay there.  It's very pretty out there.  Also, I'd spent that whole year with her 2009-2010 after her heart surgery, and I'm sure she was enjoying getting to spend time with her son that she hadn't been able to be around much in recent years in contrast with having to look at my mug all of the time.  The farm is certainly familiar to her, and that was important seeing as how she completely pulled up roots at age 84, leaving her permanent home of 15 years in South Texas...and...there is this thing of me having that kind of take charge attitude (okay…so I can be a little on the bossy side with my mama) - especially when it comes to her wellbeing.  Since Mama is not Debbie's mom, Mama could kind of get away with running the show a lot more.  

I think that Mama was in denial about how much care she needed and how much the responsibility of that fell on Debbie's shoulders, which wasn't fair at all.  Dailey tends to be kind of passive aggressive, so he has a tendency to go along with the whims of others, and when it turns out to bite him in the butt he reacts.  So he was just going with the flow there.  Debbie showed herself capable, so he let her take on more and more of the responsibility, which was starting to cause friction.  I was extremely burdened by the fact that Debbie had all this responsibility but was unsuccessful in several attempts to talk Mama into staying with us and give Debbie some relief - until this last ailment that befell her.

Mama was continuing to complain about more pain, and increased weakness in her body was becoming more apparent.  In hindsight, I can't believe I didn't recognize the signs of a urinary tract infection, but, then again, since Mama was hiding out at the farm out from underneath my uber-watchful (ahem, bordering on obssessive) eye.  I would attempt to get Mama to stay at our house, but we couldn't get her to stay for longer than 2 or 3 days - which is not enough time to really get a feel for what's happening.  By the time I got her in to see the doctor, who knows how long she'd been suffering from the urinary tract infection; UTI's have been shown to cause mental problems in the past with Mama, and in the process of her becoming more crazy, she was starting to really drive Debbie crazy.  Since I wasn't able to be around her very much, I wasn't able to tell if it was just natural deterioration that comes with age or just what the issue might be, but I knew Mama wasn't quite right.  In the last week of April I was able to get her to her family doctor, and he gave her a couple of things for pain and wanted to see her in a week.  

The medicine the doctor prescribed for her pain caused a host of reactions over the weekend following.  Mama called me that weekend, and she sounded awful.  Not long after Mama's call, Debbie called, and I started to suggest that they take her to the hospital but - for whatever reason having to do with the touchiness of the situation already - I did not act on my instinct.  I did, however, get her follow up appointment moved up to Monday, which resulted in an EKG which resulted in Mama being admitted into the hospital for 6 days.  As a result of the testing they were able to do in the hospital, they were finally able to find the urinary tract infection.

While there, an angiogram was performed which showed that the arteries treated in her triple bypass surgery in 2009 were holding up beautifully.  I was very impressed with the thoroughness of the young cardiologist who performed the angiogram.  As he was pulling the catheter out, he had a thought that perhaps he should check out the arteries leading to the kidneys, and that is when he found blockages in both arteries that he felt would be best treated with stents.  What he also found during the procedure due to arrhythmia – which we already knew about – was a weakening in the heart muscles on one side and congestive heart failure occurring more frequently.   He advised a pacemaker upgrade, a bigger device with a defibrillator and an extra wire that will even out the heart rhythm which stands a very good chance of strengthening her heart - or, at the very least, it could stop the heart from getting any weaker.  

They did the stents on her kidney arteries on Thursday and released her from the hospital on Saturday with 5 new heart and blood pressure meds and said they would call when the procedure for the pacemaker upgrade was scheduled.  To decrease the risk of infection, they want to make sure the urinary tract infection is fully cleared before taking her through this next procedure.  

Mama has had a lot of difficult side effects from the new heart medication, which has led to a loss of appetite, which has further complicated the weakness, and caring for her has been a 24/7 endeavor.  Wednesday night she had 2 episodes of chest pains, so I called the paramedics and had them take her in to the ER.  They sent her home that night after contacting her cardiologist who prescribed a new med to help prevent chest pain.

Last night was the first night I really got any kind of meaningful sleep.  As a result, I feel the closest I've felt to a sense of normalcy since Mama first went into the hospital, which is encouraging to me.  Sleep deprivation does all kinds of things to the mind and emotions.  Now that I've had a decent night's sleep (hard fought for and hard won), I'm relieved to know I'm not actually going crazy and not getting depressed.  I just needed a little sleep.  Imagine my joy when coffee actually worked to bring about some alertness!!

In addition, Mama ate a whole piece of toast this afternoon!  Steve had the brilliant idea of crushing up her pills with a mortar and pestle and giving them to her in applesauce which seems to have greatly decreased her nausea.  Dizziness continues to be a problem.

We have a couple of weeks to get through before the next procedure.  We covet any and all prayers and good thoughts for her continued improvement and advance toward good health.

 

Yet another new chapter

Up until 5 days ago, I worked for a company manufacturing a product with 2 separate companies partnering to produce the product and sell it to a certain large scale retailer.  My work location was Bentonville where one of the companies is based, but I was paid and provided company benefits such as insurance, vacation, sick and holiday pay, etc., by a company based out of Tulsa, Oklahoma.

On March 9th, I drove in to work as usual, but when I got to the office I was not allowed to clock in.  Instead, I was called into the office of one of the executives with the Bentonville company and told that the partnership had been severed and that my services would no longer be needed, that it was not due to anything I'd done or didn't do, and they'd give me a good recommendation, etc.  I was advised that for any information regarding my employment status I should contact a particular person at the Tulsa office.  At that time, I was told some things that led to this decision and advised that continuing to work for this individual was not recommended because he couldn't pay his employees (even though I had never been given a reason to doubt whether I could or would be paid as I'd always been paid in full and on time for more than a year's time). 

I was packed up on my way back home within 45 minutes, and when I arrived home I called the number for the Tulsa office that I was advised to call.  I told them what had just happened, that I was told I was still an employee of their company and wanted to know what my status was as an employee.  The person I was advised to speak to took my call and apologized to me very sincerely.  I was told by him that what he knew of the situation was little more than what I had been told at that time but that he would be meeting with his attorneys in a few hours to find out what the situation was.  He assured me that he wanted to keep me on as an employee and would make accommodations for me to continue the work that I'd been doing for the company.

He kept his word to me for as long as he feasably could.  I continued working until this past Friday.  Basically what was told to me was 2 diabolically different accounts of what was transpiring in the severed partnership.  I don't know all the facts and probably will never really know, and, to be honest, it makes no difference to me who's right and who's wrong because I know Who knows exactly what the real deal is.  What I do know is how my employment was handled by the 2 different entities and how I was treated as an employee and a person - also 2 diabolically different ways of handling things.

This is all I wish to say on the matter at this time. 

Sobriety = Serenity

18 years ago today I began the journey of sobriety - having no idea that's what I was entering into at the time.  Interestingly, in the past few weeks and months I've been running across people who've walked through the doors of meeting places where recovery happens.  God became a very real and up close and personal God to me in those meeting rooms.  Recently, I remembered that part of the process of ongoing recovery is sharing our experience, strength, and hope with others.  And so I have been considering rearranging some of my evenings around walking through those doors once again - just to see what God will do.

When I was walking through those doors in the early days He did so, so much it's mind boggling now that I look back on it.  I learned somewhere along the way, miraculously, to think like a sober person rather than an addict.  Those old, tattered ways of thinking that used to rule my decisions and push me to fill my body and soul with things that kill, that steal, and destroy fell by the wayside as I began following my Good Shepherd into those rooms.  Psalm 23 was precious to me in those early days; I had no idea why.  The words to that psalm were among the first words of the Bible I memorized.  I had no way to verbalize the tranformation that was taking place as I meditated on and took immense comfort in those words.  Oh, but that soul restoration - it's real.  Those green pastures that nourish - they're delicious.  Those still waters that truly hydrate - they're life-giving.   Surrounded by perils on every side - every kind of temptation to pull a soul off of the path that leads to life - the Good Shepherd steadfastly leads and fiercely loves and protects the soul He is restoring and endowing with His riches.  So glorious.  As I look back on all that He has done...glorious.

I feel that I owe it to Him, to myself, and to anyone who can benefit from my experience, strength, and hope to freely give as I have freely received.

Free Yer Head, Girl!

I've had some weird things going on with my head recently.  The first E.R. visit Friday 2 weeks ago occurred because I was at work and could not focus.  I didn't know what was up, but something definitely wasn't right.  I felt disoriented and my head was swimming.  They did the battery of tests: ekg, cat scan, blood work, chest x-ray, the whole nine, and could find nothing.  I followed up with a visit to my family doctor who also could find nothing but gave me some nasal spray with steroids to see if there was an inner ear issue that it could help.  

That night, Tuesday, I felt a sharp shooting pain in the back of my head behind my left ear.  I wondered if I was in for another trip to the E.R., but it passed after a few minutes.  I went to bed and was fine the next day.  Thursday mid-morning the pain was back but it had moved to the base of my skull just to the right of my spinal column.  The pain would come and go with varying degrees of intensity.  By the time I got to the E.R that day the pains had moved to the right side, just behind the right ear.  I did not see a doctor that visit.  The nurse practitioner suggested it might be vascular or arterial inflammation, and I left with a prescription for steroids and pain medication.  That night, pressure had built up in  my head such that it felt like my head could burst like a cartoon thermometer.

The next day the whole back of my head was vibrating.  It felt like an eye twitch except it was in the back of my head.  I stayed home and rested and tried to get an appointment with the neurologist the E.R referred me to.

I have varying manifestations.  Sometimes I just feel pressure.  Sometimes I feel sharp pains.  Sometimes I feel dull pains.  Sometimes my head feels like it's stuffed with cotton.  The last couple of days I've noticed blurred vision.  My appointment with the neurologist is on the 15th.  Hopefully the visit will yeild some answers.

In the meantime, what's been brougtht from the back burner to the forefront is the thing that's been needed in my life for years.  I have basically been living my life from day to day pursuing my spirituality on the run.  One can eat on the go for a few years, but eventually it catches up with a person.  Eventually, eating habits must change in order to restore balance and good health and nutrition.  I feel that this is my signal that it's time to make adjustments that I've longed for for many years.  It's time to start giving a new kind of dedication and attention to my spiritual life.  

Ironic that blurred vision has caused me to see the writing on the wall more clearly, innit?